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Guilt

Starting out as a Dominant isn't easy for a lot of reasons, but the hardest thing for me was learning to deal with the guilt. I have always had a strong moral code, and like to believe that I'm a decent person. Accepting that I not only enjoy, but actually need to make others suffer to be happy in life was really tough for me. From talking to other Dom/mes, I know that I'm not alone.

A submissive has to admit that they enjoy being tormented for the pleasure of another. This is not easy either, but it's not a selfish pleasure. A sub is doing it for someone they care about. It is a noble gift, strange to an outsider perhaps, but it's not like they're hurting anyone.

I hurt people. I enjoy pushing someone to do the uncomfortable, to sacrifice their own pleasure for the sake of my own. What I do is clearly unreasonable in a free society that values equality.

This was difficult for me to deal with many years ago, but I got over it. I forced myself past it. A true submissive needs to be pushed; they can't find peace in thier life without it. In my code of honour, it is acceptable for me to do this as long as I do so in a way that is Safe, Sane, and Consentual. I don't have any trouble sleeping at night. I am not ashamed of what I do.

My wife has not yet gotten past this stage. She was avoiding C when he was over, and it was getting progressively worse. At first I thought she wasn't interested, but eventually we sat down and talked it through. She explained to me that she felt bad for hurting him. I told her how I justified it to myself, and that seemed to help. The next time C came over, she talked to him a bit, then she joined right in and started having fun. We need to keep working on it, but things are already better.

It's been really good for us to be playing with C. Not only are we having fun, but we're learning a lot from the experience. I'm growing into my own style and getting stronger with my technique. Working on the marital issues involved in playing with another person has been really good for us too. Most of all, we are lucky to have found C. He has been incredibly patient and understanding with us while we experiment and figure this all out.
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  1. LissaJanuary 13, 2011 at 4:49 AM

    Learning to allow someone that amount of control and accepting that you want to be pushed is very difficult to come to terms with. It is great to know that you are working through the hurdles that come with a poly relationship.

    ReplyDelete

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