Being a Dom comes naturally to me; I have a constant urge to push people, seem to have some skill at it, and enjoy doing it. That said, some parts of the job are harder than others. One of the hardest, and most important to do correctly, is reading and understanding a sub.
The kind of play that I enjoy involves creating a sense of powerlessness. That means making a sub do things they don't want to do. I will apply all sorts of pressure such as charm, pain, guilt, fear, frustration. Sometimes I even use force. This is fun for me, and if I do it right, it'll scratch that deep down submissive itch inside of them.
If you push a sub too far however, or push them the wrong way, things can get ugly fast.
You have to be constantly reading your sub when you are playing, looking for those subtle (or not so subtle) clues about their mood. The signs that people show vary widely, and mean different things. Some people beg, some people cry, some people talk, some people even laugh, and this doesn't mean they aren't enjoying themselves or want you to stop. Then again, sometimes it does. You can learn to read the signs a sub gives off, but it takes time to get there, and your bound to make mistakes along the way.
Asking questions is important, especially at the beginning, but it's not a simple thing to do. Obviously the info you gather is important and will help guide your decisions, but it's important that a sub doesn't feel like they are controlling you. If a sub asks you to do something like, for example, put on nipple clamps in the middle of a scene, this is bad. If you do it, even if you planned to anyway, it means that they are in control. This is the opposite of powerlessness. This is called topping from the bottom, and it undermines the best parts of what BDSM is.
If you're going to ask questions about play preference, it's better to do so between sessions, but this too can undermine the Dom/sub dynamic. To be clear, asking questions like "are you comfortable?" or "are you sore anywhere?" are always okay. Asking something like "do you want me to put the nipple clamps on?" is okay too, and can be a lot of fun, especially if they know their answer won't stop you.
So how do we get quality feedback without undermining the power exchange? Everyone has their own techniques, and for me they will vary from sub to sub. One that I use often, and have had good success with, is asking a sub to keep a journal. This has many benefits: By telling it as a story, they will be showing the parts that were significant to them, and can show that they did or didn't like something without being critical. Writing about an experience forces them to examine their thoughts and feelings about it which is important when dealing with the kinds of powerful emotions we stir up. As a bonus, you also get a lasting record of the things you've done.
I've had a couple of subs keep their journals online for me, and this has been good too. If you're going to do it, just make sure that you're able to mark the blog as adult content, and that your sub feels comfortable expressing themselves in that forum. It's easy to create a private blog which could be a good compromise if you're worried about privacy.
Sometimes I get it wrong when I'm playing. I might push too hard, or not push enough. Especially with newer subs, but even with experienced ones, it's hard to say sometimes what they will like until you try it. I won't allow a sub to complain while I play with them, so they just have to suck it up until the scene is done. When I get their feedback we'll talk about it, and make adjustments then. Of course, there's always the safe word to ensure I don't go too far in the heat of things.
The kind of play that I enjoy involves creating a sense of powerlessness. That means making a sub do things they don't want to do. I will apply all sorts of pressure such as charm, pain, guilt, fear, frustration. Sometimes I even use force. This is fun for me, and if I do it right, it'll scratch that deep down submissive itch inside of them.
If you push a sub too far however, or push them the wrong way, things can get ugly fast.
You have to be constantly reading your sub when you are playing, looking for those subtle (or not so subtle) clues about their mood. The signs that people show vary widely, and mean different things. Some people beg, some people cry, some people talk, some people even laugh, and this doesn't mean they aren't enjoying themselves or want you to stop. Then again, sometimes it does. You can learn to read the signs a sub gives off, but it takes time to get there, and your bound to make mistakes along the way.
Asking questions is important, especially at the beginning, but it's not a simple thing to do. Obviously the info you gather is important and will help guide your decisions, but it's important that a sub doesn't feel like they are controlling you. If a sub asks you to do something like, for example, put on nipple clamps in the middle of a scene, this is bad. If you do it, even if you planned to anyway, it means that they are in control. This is the opposite of powerlessness. This is called topping from the bottom, and it undermines the best parts of what BDSM is.
If you're going to ask questions about play preference, it's better to do so between sessions, but this too can undermine the Dom/sub dynamic. To be clear, asking questions like "are you comfortable?" or "are you sore anywhere?" are always okay. Asking something like "do you want me to put the nipple clamps on?" is okay too, and can be a lot of fun, especially if they know their answer won't stop you.
So how do we get quality feedback without undermining the power exchange? Everyone has their own techniques, and for me they will vary from sub to sub. One that I use often, and have had good success with, is asking a sub to keep a journal. This has many benefits: By telling it as a story, they will be showing the parts that were significant to them, and can show that they did or didn't like something without being critical. Writing about an experience forces them to examine their thoughts and feelings about it which is important when dealing with the kinds of powerful emotions we stir up. As a bonus, you also get a lasting record of the things you've done.
I've had a couple of subs keep their journals online for me, and this has been good too. If you're going to do it, just make sure that you're able to mark the blog as adult content, and that your sub feels comfortable expressing themselves in that forum. It's easy to create a private blog which could be a good compromise if you're worried about privacy.
Sometimes I get it wrong when I'm playing. I might push too hard, or not push enough. Especially with newer subs, but even with experienced ones, it's hard to say sometimes what they will like until you try it. I won't allow a sub to complain while I play with them, so they just have to suck it up until the scene is done. When I get their feedback we'll talk about it, and make adjustments then. Of course, there's always the safe word to ensure I don't go too far in the heat of things.
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