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Social Anxiety and Community

Social anxiety is something I have struggled with for my entire adult life. It doesn't prevent me from living a life that is mostly normal, but it can be a nuisance. Every now and then I'll have a reaction that's more unpleasant. For whatever reason, kinky gatherings cause an extremely strong reaction for me.

In spite of that, my wife and I recently attended our first kinky meeting. It was a small gathering I found on fetlife for kinksters attending a convention. We were dressed as characters from an anime, but that was encouraged in the invitation.

It was really great. Everyone made an effort to talk to us and make us feel welcome. Starting out with a group that was nerdy like us also helped. I felt safe, and comfortable. It was exactly the kind thing I want to do regularly, except that getting there was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm not talking about the standard shyness that anyone might feel. The wiring in my brain started malfunctioning almost continuously from the moment I decided to attend. Also this time, as with any time when it gets really bad, my nervous system freaked out as well. I could barely sleep the night before. I felt hot, cold, sweaty, and nauseous all at the same time. It was difficult to eat. I had gas and diarrhea. It was like having allergies and food poisoning at the same time.

I had to force myself to show up at the restaurant. I had to focus on every step up the stairs to keep my nerve up. Even with my awesome, supportive wife gripping my hand, I had to stop and take a deep breath before we stepped through the door. And then, as soon as we arrived at the table, all of the anxiety disappeared. Except for a feeling of exhaustion from my ordeal, I had only a regular amount of social awkwardness for the rest of the evening.

Having been once hasn't made a second attempt any easier. If anything, knowing what I'm missing has added a deeper sense of disappointment. I have found more events of interest, I have thought seriously about going. As soon as I do, the same reactions start again. For now, the disappointment of backing down is easier to deal with.

Why do I have this problem? I couldn't say for sure. I had some rough patches in my childhood, but it was nothing extraordinary. Some emotional baggage, it seems, is one of the few commonalities among kinksters. Perhaps my inability to cope better is part of my take from the grand genetic lottery. At least I've never needed braces.

Although it's been hard, I'm not giving up. I have been working with professionals to face my issues and to move past them. It is slow, painful, and expensive, but I am making progress. It's important to me that I be able to make this a regular part of my life. Until it get's easier, I hope you'll forgive me if I can't meet you at a local event.

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