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The Vanilla Pill

If someone offered you a pill that would make you happy with a vanilla sex life, would you take it?

This is a question I like to ask myself sometimes, but the answer I give myself is always the same: no. I must admit, sometimes it's tempting. The temptation now is maybe the highest it's even been...

I've been experiencing something of a long winter. The last time I played with a sub in person was just over 2 years ago. The last time before that was in 2013. Kink is a powerful mechanism for me to purge the crap I accumulate in life, and being unable to use it is hard.

This lifestyle has been hard on me generally. I have spent far more time frustrated than happy. I've had my heart broken again and again, searching for something that I can never seem to find. As the time stretches on, I start to wonder if I ever will find it. And then I start to wonder if I would even be happy if I did.

It's been so long now, I worry about meeting someone and freezing up. What if I am one of these phony Doms everyone complains about? BDSM is such an essential part of me and how I define myself, I am genuinely afraid of losing it. Not only would I be a much more boring person, I would also lose a common point of interest with many close friends.

I don't fully understand what drives people to BDSM, but I know that I and many others who are similarly driven have had rough childhoods. Does that mean that this burning desire, this passion, this source of such amazing pleasure is just a symptom of my emotional scars? It seems so much bigger, so much more important than that. The fear that it could all be meaningless is probably more painful than the idea of never satisfying it.

Deciding to give up kin is not an option for me either. I've tried back in my ignorant youth, and it failed disastrously. It was a merry-go-round full of frustration and self loathing I hope never to experience again. But what if it just happened on it's own?

Sometimes I am so full of frustration and doubt, I ask myself if I would take the vanilla pill. Would I give up all the amazing experiences? Would I forget all the wonderful people who have shared this dirty little secret with me? Would I give up the wonderful feelings when it goes well to also get rid of the pain?

Not today.

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